Products by

Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Back to School

Topic of the Month:  Mean Girls Grown Up

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes: Back to School

I conducted an icebreaker recently during one of my adult workshops in which I asked participants to share a memory about the first day of school.  I will never ask that question again!  Talk about Debbie Downer time.  Every one shared such traumatic stories that we were in a pool of tears before the training even started.

That’s one reason I’m excited to offer a new resource for the parents of girls called, Dealing with Mean Girls:  A Parent’s Guide for Teaching Girls How to Survive Difficult Friendships. If you have a daughter or work with girls, you know how devastating it can be for a girl to feel excluded. 

Things don’t get any easier for college students who have yet to master conflict resolution skills!  Not only can girls still be mean, boys can get belligerent.  I’ve updated my college survival guide, My Roommate is Driving Me Crazy! It now includes pertinent tips on how students can recognize and respond to potentially violent roommates, among other new information.

As for me, I’ve discovered my new favorite video site, YouTube.com/edu. Here, you’ll find thousands of outstanding lectures, commencement speeches, and experiments from the nation’s top universities.  You can audit a class in your jammies!   

 

Until next month,

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month:  Mean Girls Grown Up

What happens to mean girls who never change their ways?  They grow up to be your supervisors, co-workers, neighbors, PTA members and extended family! If you’ve ever thought that your workplace or social group feels just like middle school, there may be some grown up bullies, targets and bystanders lurking.  Mean girl behavior is formally known as relational aggression and it does not just exist between young girls.

In 1995, researcher Nikki Crick defined RA as behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others.  While men can certainly use a manipulative communication style, women most often display RA behaviors.  This type of bullying may not leave visible bruises, but the emotional scars run deep.  Here are the most common signs of relational aggression:

• Ignoring.  Communication and connection are so important to females that the deepest pain is caused when a friend or colleague suddenly stops talking and refuses to explain why.  Giving the silent treatment is the most common way women show they are hurt or angry.  A bully may have a long history of using silence in manipulative ways, refusing to speak to someone until she gets her way. 

• Glaring.  Women are highly sensitive to facial expressions.  Much can be said with a dirty look, eye rolling, or mean stares. 

 

• Excluding.  Examples of intentional exclusion include not being invited to lunch, after-hour gatherings, or meetings.  Names can be intentionally left off mass emails and announcements, or inside humor is used that only a select few understand. 

• Spreading gossip and rumors.  Some workplaces are built on a culture of gossip, and if you don’t participate, you’re the target.  Rumor mills can be especially devastating when they extend to Internet postings or texting.

 

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Questions for Reflection

How do you let someone know that you are hurt or angry?

When someone is being bullied, do you stand up for her or remain silent?

Do others often share gossip with you?  How do you respond?

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 Action Step

Review the signs of relational aggression listed above and honestly assess your own communication skills.  Note times when you are tempted to fall into these negative patterns.  Instead, share your feelings respectfully and privately with a person who has angered you.   

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2009