9-06

Books, booklets, and e-booklets by Susan Fee

Susan Fee: Communication Tip Sheet
September 2006 Edition

In This Issue

News & Notes: Live From the Ladies Room!

Manager's Tip Sheet: What's Your ROR?

Personal Tip Sheet: 5 Tips for Calming Down an Angry Person

Difficult Conversations: Receiving a Damaging E-Mail By Mistake

Workshops, Products, and Services

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News & Notes: Live From the Ladies Room!



Note to self: turn off wireless microphone before using the bathroom, especially while gossiping about my sister-in-law.

Thank you to CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips for reminding us that we all make mistakes, no matter what our professional training. In case you missed the “news,” she unwittingly talked over President Bush's speech in August when her wireless microphone was left on during a bathroom break.

Maybe you've never broadcast your social bloopers to millions, but we've all had moments we wish we could take back. If you've suffered a recent bout of foot-in-mouth disease, learn how to recover in my article, Overcoming a Bad First Impression.

As you might imagine, it would be hard for me to offer advice on a topic that I had never experienced. Let's just say I have a lot of empathy for Ms. Phillips!



Until next time,

Susan Fee

Manager's Tip Sheet: What's Your ROR?

When evaluating the wisdom of a project or procedure, a standard decision-making tool is to consider the return on investment, or ROI. When it comes to evaluating the wisdom of your business relationships, how do you decide? A recent student of mine suggested we measure our return on relationships, or ROR.

So often we invest in things and not people. But if you think back to every major career success you've had, I bet you can track it to having strong business relationships. Here's how you can measure and boost your ROR.

Reevaluate. Maintaining relationships out of habit or guilt blocks you from developing new ones. Here's the ultimate question to ask: after spending time with a person, how do you feel about yourself ? Feeling bad, angry, or drained means it's time to cut ties. Feeling positive, motivated, or excited are signs of a keeper. You may not be able to sever all ties with certain people, but you can choose how much energy you give them.

Practice the 80/20 rule. Everyone wants to feel validated and listening is the way to do it. Your job title may tempt you to talk more than you listen, all the while damaging relationships. Challenge yourself to listen 80 percent of the time, and speak only 20 percent.



Invest in the success of others. The quickest way to gain a return is to help others be successful. Provide opportunities, make an encouraging phone call, act as a mentor, or pass on helpful articles with a note that says, “Saw this and thought of you.”

Expand your circle. Challenge your comfort zone by developing and investing in new relationships. Think of relationships as your web of success; how strong is your net? Over the past year, how many new people have you added to your circle? Meeting new people keeps you sharp, open, and constantly growing.

Personal Tip Sheet: 5 Tips for Calming Down an Angry Person

Last month, I shared tips for building rapport or the feeling of “clicking” with someone. Now let's build on the concept of mirroring in order to help calm down an angry person.

While mirroring delivery in everyday conversation helps build connection, matching anger with anger only escalates the situation. People get upset when they perceive a situation to be unfair, feel a loss of control, sense fear, or experience deep frustration. They want your attention! If you appear so calm that it seems you don't care, they get angrier.

Show your willingness to understand by mirroring their energy level, making direct eye contact, and repeating key phrases regarding their frustration. Avoid mirroring negative language, shouting, and aggressive body language. Here are five more tips from Dealing With Difficult People:

1. Seek to understand first. Listen without judgment or interruption until you fully understand the other person's message. Responding too soon will fuel the anger.

2. Offer empathy. See it through the eyes of the other person and attempt to understand what he or she is experiencing. Even if you have shared similar experiences, avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” You'll never know exactly how someone else is feeling. Instead say, “It sounds like you're feeling frustrated,” or “I can only imagine how you must be feeling.”

3. Introduce facts carefully. As emotional intensity increases, one's ability to reason decreases, making it difficult to listen to the facts. Telling angry people they are being irrational is wasted energy and can even escalate the situation. Offer empathy first, facts second.

4. Encourage time-limited venting. Blowing off steam can be beneficial, but if it becomes an unending rant, angry people can grow increasingly agitated because they start obsessing. Limit their venting to two minutes before narrowing concerns.

5. Narrow concerns. Once a person vents, narrow down many concerns to the most important by asking, “Out of everything you mentioned, what's the number one thing you want to focus on solving right now?”

Do you find yourself exploding in anger often? Emotional Intelligence coaching can help!

Difficult Conversations: Receiving a Damaging E-mail by Mistake

Q: I received an e-mail from my colleague, but I'm pretty sure she sent it to me by mistake. The message contained several complaints about me, including jokes about my appearance. She's never said these things to me personally, but now I know she feels differently. Should I say anything?

A: This is a great example of why one should never say anything online that you wouldn't mind seeing on the front page of your local newspaper. I can imagine it was both embarrassing and hurtful to learn through an e-mail how your co-worker truly feels. It would be easy to blast her back, but since you'll be working together every day, it would be far better to solve the situation than create a war zone.

First, respond to her e-mail with a short message that says, “I'm not sure if you intended for me to receive this message, but since it was sent to me, I read it. It sounds like we have some things to discuss in person. When are you available?”

When you meet face-to-face, let her know how this e-mail impacted you and your expectations for the future. You might say, “I was hurt and surprised by your comments. If you have suggestions for how I can better work with you professionally, I'd like to hear them now. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd speak to me in person.”

Depending on your circumstances, you may want to notify your supervisor and provide a copy of the email. Tell your supervisor that you will address your colleague and ask for back up if necessary. It's to your advantage to demonstrate to management how professionally you can handle a difficult situation.

Submit your difficult conversations to Susan_Fee@msn.com.

Workshops, Products, and Services
Upcoming Workshops and Appearances.

“Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S”

September 9-October 7

Independence , OH

Register by calling (440) 963-0402 or 800-600-5327

Products and Services

New booklet and e-booklet titles available!

Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity

Secrets for Successful Presentations: 81 Tips to Prepare and Deliver Every Speech with Confidence!

Order a PowerPack and save money!

Interested in booking training or coaching in 2006? Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com.

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, business and personal coach, and college adjunct faculty member. She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy! (Adams Media). She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2005