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Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes: Squared Up

Manager's Tip Sheet: Bargaining Chips

Personal Tip Sheet: Revenge of the "Nerds"

Difficult Conversations: Making a Wedding Toast      

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News & Notes:  Squared Up

If you really want to test your listening skills, try square dancing!  That was the team-building event I took part in at Belvoir Terrace, a fine and performing arts camp in Lenox, MA where I spoke last month.  Wow, was I challenged.

The last time I squared upped and executed a Dosado, I was in fourth grade.  You’d think with all that time in between, I would have learned to wait for the call instead of anticipating what would turn out to be the wrong move.  In only takes one person not listening to ruin your entire square’s formation.  I’m not naming names here, but let’s just say “Allemande Left” involves the LEFT hand.

Even so, our team learned nineteen moves and managed to be one of the last ones dancing in the big square off.  I’ve come too far to give up now.  Dance, anyone?

Until next month,

 

Susan Fee

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Manager's Tip Sheet: Bargaining Chips

Being a boss with a big heart may help you inspire some employees, but it won’t help you when negotiating with them, according to a new report in Psychological Science.  Successful negotiators do something called “perspective taking” which is being able to consider the other person’s point of view.  However, if you become too empathic with their feelings, you may lose your own perspective.

According to study author Adam Galinksy, empathy can build trust and help settle emotional disputes.  But, when it comes to negotiating, too much empathy will lead you to value the other person’s interests over your own.  Students in his study who engaged in perspective taking versus considering feelings were able to produce the most creative, win-win solutions while negotiating. 

Here are three of Galinsky’s tips for successful negotiations: 

Consider both sides:  Before entering any negotiation, consider your own goals and alternatives and those of the other person.  If you were in his shoes, what would you be asking for, and what would be the alternatives? 

Make the first move.  Be the first one to lay an offer on the table and make it an aggressive one.  This will anchor the discussion in your favor.  Handle objections with questions (see below) to better understand needs. 

 

Ask questions.  Make an effort to understand the other person’s priorities by asking lots of questions.  The more you know, the better you can create an option that best serves both sides. 

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Personal Tip Sheet: Revenge of the "Nerds"

 

If you bristle at being labeled a “geek” or “nerd,” Cambridge University psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen may have a much more flattering term.  He points to biology as being partly responsible for either developing an “S” brain or an “E” brain. 

An “S” brain stands for “systemizing” brain or one that’s good at figuring out logical rules.  This leads to activities that require systematic thinking without a lot of emotional interaction with others.  An “E” brain stands for “empathic” brain or one that  excels in reading and understanding emotions and developing sharper social skills. 

E-brainers often feel socially awkward and have a difficult time carrying on non-technical conversations.  However, only part of this is biological.  The other part is skill-based and can be learned.  So, grab a copy of Napoleon Dynamite for inspiration and follow these tips:

Be prepared:  Small talk is just that, talking about small, relatively unimportant topics to make polite conversation.  But, small talk sets the stage for bigger talks, so it’s important to be able to participate.  Stay up-to-date and be prepared to chat about the latest movies, bestselling books, sports stories, and weather.  By spending a few minutes glancing at USA Today for example, you’ll know enough to be included in most conversations.

Follow the formula:  Observe good conversationalists and you’ll notice they follow a basic formula.  They share a little bit about themselves, and then they ask the other person an open-ended question (one that elicits more than a one-word response). Then he or she comments on something that was shared, adds a little bit, and asks another question.  Get this formula down and you’ll never experience another awkward moment of silence.

Read the signs:  Pay attention to facial cues and body language to learn what people are really thinking.  If someone appears to have a look of confusion, stop talking and check it out.  Notice how you hold your own body. Are you relaxed or tense?  Observe a socially-confident speaker and take notes on how he or she uses eye contact, smiling, and tone of voice to deliver a message. 

More conversational tips.

 

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 Difficult Conversations: Making a Wedding Toast

 

Q: I’ve been asked to be my buddy’s best man at his wedding, and that includes making a toast.  I’m not really comfortable speaking in front of a crowd, and I’m feeling pressure to say just the right thing.  Any ideas?

A: Congratulations!  You must be a good friend to have such an honor, so remember that somebody already believes in you. Traditionally, the best man’s wedding toast includes a short, personal story.  I can’t tell you exactly what to say since you will be drawing on your personal experiences.  But, here are few tips to keep in mind:

As with any presentation, content is determined by the audience.  In this case, you will not only have your peers present, but his parents and new in-laws as well.  I recommend you do not say anything that would cause them embarrassment. 

Also, the toast usually comes right before dinner and by this time the guests are hungry.  They want to eat, so keep your story short and concise. 

As for the story, choose an example that supports your friend’s good qualities or love for his new wife.  Humor is appreciated when it’s part of the real life story, but not crude.  Practice out loud, not just in your head.  Your nerves will subside if you concentrate on your story.  You don’t have to be perfect, just authentic.  Finally, hold off on the champagne until after you speak! 

 

Submit your difficult questions to Susan_Fee@msn.com.  If your question is chosen for publication, you’ll receive a complimentary copy of Dealing With Difficult People.

   

   

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2008