In This Issue

News & Notes: Can You Repeat That?

Manager's Tip Sheet: Blame Game

Personal Tip Sheet:  Signs of a Complaint Addict    

Difficult Conversations: What to Tell Bored Kids      

Workshops, Products, and Services 

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News & Notes:  Can You Repeat That?

The concern for anyone investing in training is will it last?  It’s a fair question.  Those of you who have worked with me know that I incorporate interactive exercises, instant feedback and coaching, and when possible, deliver training over several sessions so that participants have a chance to practice skills.

Still, clients have said, “I wish we could have you here all the time as a constant reminder.”  Well, now you can!  After I’ve delivered a customized training class, you now have the option of receiving a one-hour CD or MP3 highlighting course material.  You can revisit the workshop any time you want, use it in staff meetings, or for individual training.

Past clients – the offer still stands!  I can recreate any workshop you’ve booked previously into a one-hour audio summary.  Keep the training alive.  Contact me for more information. 

 

Until next month,

 

Susan Fee

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Manager's Tip Sheet:  Blame Game

When I was a kid, my older brother and I would occasionally throw jabs at each other.  (He’s now the police chief of Billings, MT so these days I let him win.)  If Mom stepped in to referee, she would end every fight with, “Say you’re sorry.”  Seems our current culture could use a dose of her advice.

In their new book, Mistakes Were Made, psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson (Harcourt, 2007) discuss the art of the non-apology.  In examples from business, politics, and celebrities the authors show how people convince themselves they’ve done nothing wrong by admitting in the past tense, “Mistakes were made,” but never saying who made them.  We’ve learned to shift blame to others with lines like, “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”  

Dancing around the issue only serves to erode trust.  The truth is, people respect you more the sooner you come out and admit you’re wrong.  If you’re growing, you’re taking risks.  Chances are, you’ll make a few mistakes.  If and when you do, own them.  From the January 2006 Communication Tip Sheet Archives, here are the three steps necessary to make a sincere apology:

 

1. Accept full responsibility for your actions without blaming other people or circumstances.  This should start with “I” without saying, “but.” 
2. Acknowledge how your actions impacted the other person.   There's a tendency to rush through this step because it can be uncomfortable.   Keep listening until the other person feels understood.  
3. Commit to changing your future behavior to support your apology.  Trust is earned over time through consistent behavior.  State what you will do differently and then demonstrate it.

 

Need help making amends?  Executive coaching can help.

              

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Personal Tip Sheet: Signs of a Complaint Addict

How often do you complain or gossip?  Could you go a day without doing so?  What about a week?  If you chose not to complain, what else might you focus on?  These are the questions Pastor Will Bowen has posed to his congregation in Kansas City, and to the rest of the world.

You may have seen or read about his 21-day Challenge to a Complaint-Free World in the press lately.  Research suggests that it takes 21 consecutive days to form a habit, so can you go 21 days without complaining or gossiping?  If the thought alone makes you experience withdrawals, you may be addicted to negativity!

First, let’s distinguish between healthy venting and complaining.  It’s okay to acknowledge when things are not right and need to be changed.  But, are you focusing on solutions?  Are you talking about what you can do differently to change the situation, or are you dwelling on the problem?  If you have needs or concerns involving another person, are you having those conversations face-to-face with that individual or are you telling everyone else?  (Right now you may be thinking of other people who have this problem, but keep the focus on yourself!) 

Complaining is a learned habit that you may have come to depend on.  Here are the signs for an addiction applied to complaining:

Experience a “high” or rush.  Complainers grab the spotlight, at least until others grow weary of listening.  Gossiping can make you feel important if you know something others don’t or feel a jolt of excitement watching the drama unfold that you created.    

Need increased doses to acquire same effect.  While ignoring some complainers makes them stop, the ones who are hooked on negativity complain even more to maintain the same level of attention they had been receiving.  They get louder, more persistent, and nit-pick about the smallest of details.    

Experience withdrawal effects when not using.  Negative people may try to be “good” for a while, until they find they have nothing else to talk about.  They are naturally drawn to other negative people and have difficulty developing a different social environment.  The temptation to complain becomes overwhelming. 

Investment of time/energy in acquiring, using, and recovering.  Complainers spend the majority of their energy scouring for things to put down, and when there’s nothing new, they start feeling a little desperate.  They have a history of damaged relationships that are in constant need of repair.

Using despite awareness of negative impact.  Even though complaint addicts can see how negativity has hurt themselves and others, they continue to do it since they have yet to learn healthy alternatives. 

Don’t be an enabler!  More tips on dealing with a complaint junkie.

 

Need an intervention?  Schedule "Maintaining A Positive Focus."

 

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 Difficult Conversations: What to Tell Bored Kids

Q:  My kids spend half their summer following me around saying, “I’m bored.”  It drives me crazy!  What can I tell them?

A:  Many parents respond to this situation with a list of ideas and activities.  When that doesn’t work, they may break down and take them somewhere, usually spending more money than they intended.  That’s exactly why kids return the next day with the same complaint.  It works! 

Instead, help your kids become self-reliant by allowing them to solve their own problems.  They’ll never learn how to end boredom if you always do it for them.

Encourage them to be proactive by creating a list of things to do when they become bored that they have complete control over (not all the places you will drive them).  When they complain of boredom, respond by reflecting, but not solving.  Stay calm and say, “You can’t find anything to do.  Sounds like you’re choosing to do nothing.”  They will test your patience for sure!  But, if you stay calm and don’t solve the issue, they’ll come up with something eventually, and over time will do so more quickly.          

Submit your difficult questions to Susan_Fee@msn.com.  If your question is chosen for publication, you’ll receive a complimentary copy of Dealing With Difficult People.

   

   

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Workshops, Products, and Services

Upcoming Workshops and Appearances.  Engagements are open to the public when noted.  

 

“Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Summer Camp” 

July 16-20, 9-11:30 (girls ages 7-9) and 1:00-3:30 (ages 10-12)

Independence, OH

Open Registration:  Call 800-600-5327

“Maintaining a Positive Focus”

Sprenger Retirement Center

June 6

Avon Lake, OH

“Strengths-Based Career Management”

NACM Credit Congress

June 13

Las Vegas, NV

“Team Communication”

Camp Chateugay

June 16

Merrill, NY

“Mean Girls” and “Developing Self-Esteem in Girls”

Monmouth Girl Scouts Council

June 19

Farmingdale, NJ

“Successful Presentation Skills” and “Building Emotional Intelligence”

NACM Graduate School

June 25-26

Hanover, CT

Products and Services

 

New!  Parent Coaching for Daughters

 

Order a PowerPack and save money!

Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, business and personal coach, and college adjunct faculty member.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  (Adams Media).  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2007