Products by

Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Celebrate Tax Day!

Topic of the Month: Can Your Relationships Pass an Audit?

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes:  Celebrate Tax Day!

I make sure my taxes are completed long before April 15 so that I can truly celebrate.  What is tax day to you is birthday to me!  The other reason for celebration is that it means I have an office clear of receipts, old files, and stacks of paperwork (at least for a day). 

The annual review required to prepare taxes can be painful, but helpful too.  No one wants the dreaded audit, but if it happens, it’s good to know that you’re prepared.  What if we had such an annual review for our relationships?  Would yours pass an audit?  I’ve provided some areas to consider in this month’s newsletter.  Remember, just like a tax audit, you need proof to pass!

Until next month,

And, just for fun and inspiration, take a look at this speech by d

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Can Your Relationships Pass an Audit?

 

In couple’s counseling, I often ask people why they’re still married if the relationship is as bad as they describe.  The most common answer I receive is that they’ve been together for a long time.  This may be the very reason the relationship is in trouble.  If you can’t provide specific reasons about why you value a person being in your life then perhaps you’re involved in an unconscious habit, but not necessarily a healthy relationship.

Consider all the relationships you have currently:  friends, family, life partners, and professional colleagues.  Why are these people in your life?  Just because you’ve known someone since kindergarten doesn’t mean they deserve a spot within your inner circle.  Check the health of your relationships with this audit:

 

Show Reciprocity.  Therapists have a guiding principle that says you should never work harder than your client.  If I start feeling frustrated, like I’m doing all the work, I know I’ve broken my own rule.  Do any of your relationships feel that way?  Are you the one to always initiate conversations, do favors, solve problems, or schedule time together?  Lack of reciprocity signals an unhealthy balance.

Resolve Conflict.  Do you have a safe, healthy way to resolve conflict in your relationships?  Each person should be able to share feelings, feel validated, and express opinions.  If you find that you can only do this with certain people online or through texting, something’s not right.  Or, if the way conflict is “resolved” is to ignore or “forget” it, the relationship is less than authentic. 

Let Go of Grudges.  If you’ve been in a relationship with a human being, you’ve been hurt.  Yet, if you hold a grudge, you’re hurting yourself by developing an intimate relationship with the hurt and anger, not the person.  Grudges consume enormous emotional energy and leave no room for new perspectives or relationships.  Use the pain for its true intention: a lesson on how to make healthier choices in the future.  If someone is holding a grudge against you, know that if you have reason to apologize and have done so, there’s nothing else you can do. 

  

Be Evidenced-based.  Healthy relationships contain plenty of evidence and little assumption.  If you had to produce recent proof that you are loving, engaged, and supportive with those close to you, what evidence would you offer?  Here’s the kicker, would an unbiased jury agree with you?  Are your intentions and deeds so clear that they could stand alone without explanation, or would you need to sell your case?  The more defending one has to do, the more one is guilty of taking a relationship for granted. 

Give Permission.  Relationships have seasons that coincide with our current needs. Just like flowers, some relationships are annuals while others are perennials.  Ones that last just for a season are no less valid, but maybe that’s all they were meant to be.  Give permission to let go of those relationships that have already blossomed and are now dead. 

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Questions for Reflection

Overall, do you consider most of your relationships healthy or unhealthy?  Why or why not?

What patterns do you notice in your relationships that either makes them work or causes drama?

If you know that one or more of your relationships is toxic, what are your reasons for staying engaged?  Are you reasons realistic?

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 Action Step

 

Apply this question to every relationship you consider important:  After spending time with this person, how do I feel about myself?  If you feel rejected, confused, belittled, or empty, establish healthier boundaries or end the relationship.

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a professional clinical counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Dealing with Mean Girls, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2011