Products by

Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Avoiding Potholes

Topic of the Month: Watch out for Conversation Traps

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes:  Avoiding Potholes

My car is taking a beating lately, trying to navigate NE Ohio’s pothole season.  These holes are mammoth!  Entire neighborhoods have been known to fall in, never to surface again.  I’ve managed to dodge most of them, but I’ve hit enough to experience damage. 

Conversations can be the same way.  Ever fall into hole you can’t climb out of? Sometimes we dig our own holes and sometimes we spot others standing nearby with the shovel ready to sabotage.   

As a counselor, I listen to a lot of conversations and have noticed some common conversation traps.  I’ve been caught in a few of them myself!  Here’s hoping this month’s tips will help you avoid the same mistakes.

 

Until next month,

And, just for fun and inspiration, take a look at this speech by d

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Watch Out for Conversation Traps

When you listen to people talk all day as I do, you can’t help but notice certain patterns.  Verbal exchanges that are full of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and inaccurate information have similar traits.  I call these negative patterns conversation traps. 

Here’s how to recognize the warning signs and avoid three of the most common conversation traps:

Defending.  There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being overly defensive.  You’ve fallen into the defending trap if you fear being exposed.  Your first response to feedback is to tune out, concentrating only on your rebuttal.  Two sure signs of the defending trap are no new growth (which can only happen through feedback) and damaged relationships because others give up.  To avoid this trap, separate who you are from your behavior.  If someone calls you “defensive” ask what you do or say that gives that impression.  That’s feedback you can use.

Minimizing.  In this trap you have great difficulty honoring the feelings of others and how they’ve been impacted, in particular, by something you’ve done or said.  You can’t understand what the fuss is and might say, “It wasn’t that big of a deal!” Others say you don’t listen. One thing we all have in common is the need to feel validated, and by minimizing others, you hurt them deeply. You often tell people, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” as if they’re wrong.  To avoid this trap, accept that feelings and perceptions are individual.  They are true and right from that person’s viewpoint.  Stop correcting. 

Fixing.  This trap takes on a parenting tone.  If you’ve fallen in, you give others unsolicited advice about how to “fix” their lives.  You’re shocked when they’re offended by your good intentions.  If someone complains or vents, you assume he or she is asking you to solve their problems, rather than just listen.  Misreading these signals means people stop talking to you to skip the lecture.  To avoid this trap, clarify a person’s needs upfront.  Ask, “Do you want my ideas or should I just listen?” 

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Questions for Reflection

Which of these three traps are you most likely to get caught in?

How do you know you’re in a conversation trap?  What are the signs?

Do you set your own traps, or do you get caught in the traps of others (i.e. you talk to people who are defending, minimizing, or fixing)?   

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 Action Step

 Choose one trap to focus on and for the next week, listen for examples in your own conversations and when others are talking.  Pay attention to the results and how the conversation is affected.

 

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a professional clinical counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Dealing with Mean Girls, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2011