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Susan Fee

Susan Fee: Communication Tip Sheet
February 2008 Edition

In This Issue

News & Notes: Taming Butterflies

Manager's Tip Sheet: Talking About a Revolution

Personal Tip Sheet: How to Spot a Liar

Difficult Conversations: Accepting Unwanted Gifts

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News & Notes: Taming Butterflies

Have you ever agreed to something that’s months away, and then as the day approaches, you totally regret you ever said yes? My day is coming February 14th. At the beginning of the school year, I offered to discuss my career with a school class in our district if a request should come in.

The last time I did this, I talked to one class of fourth graders about being a writer. I love fourth graders - they still respect authority. We sat in a circle. I brought in a few of my books and articles. They raised their hands to ask questions. We chatted.

This year the request came from an eighth grade class. Except one class turned into ALL the eighth graders and that totals 300. I believe that’s called an “assembly.” I don't think we can sit in a circle.

Something I had given little thought is now a production. Microphones and projectors are being reserved. I've been a professional speaker and trainer for nearly 15 years. I've spoken to a lot of audiences in that time - but I'll admit, this one scares me! I can either transform my fear into excitement or let it paralyze me. On second thought, this is going to be fun!

Until next month,

Susan Fee

Manager's Tip Sheet: Talking About a Revolution

Alan Deutschman has come out with a terrific new book called Change or Die (Harper Collins, 2007). It’s a continuation of an article he wrote for Fast Company in 2000 discussing what it really takes to make and sustain big changes. It’s filled with stories that demonstrate that change requires three elements, the first being what he calls “Relate.”

In his words, that means, “You form a new, emotional relationship with a person or community that inspires and sustains hope.” Let’s boil that down to attempting to change a business culture, system, or even asking one employee to change. How do you do it? This book makes clear that scare tactics, fear, and intimidation will not lead to sustained change. You must reach people on an emotional level by delivering a message of hope. Here are four tips to get started:

Believe in your message. If you don’t buy it, there’s no way to sell it. For you to inspire others, you must above all believe in the change you are seeking. As much as you try, you cannot fake authenticity long-term.

Talk in positives. Paint a clear picture of how this change will be beneficial. Avoid the tendency to rely on fear of what may happen if a person refuses to change. Motivation by fear is only temporary. Long-term change requires positive emotional buy-in.

Share positive expectations. Start with the assumption that a person is able to make the change and communicate that belief consistently. Avoid double-speak by asking him or her to “try” versus “do” or saying “if” instead of “when” as it suggests the possibility that change may not be possible.

Keep it simple and repeat. Long-wind explanations filled with big words inspire confusion, not hope! The more you have to explain, the less motivating your message becomes. Speak in language every one can understand and repeat.

Need help making your own changes?

Personal Tip Sheet: How to Spot a Liar

A new TV show called, “Moment of Truth” is getting a lot of attention. Contestants risk embarrassment (and potentially damaged relationships) by agreeing to answer highly personal questions while being hooked up to a polygraph. If the contestant tells the truth, he advances to the next level and is asked increasingly intimate questions.

Can you spot a liar? Psychologist Paul Ekman has devoted his career to studying facial expressions and what he calls “micro-expressions.” He believes with training, we can all learn how to tell if someone is being truthful. In 2006, he wrote a fascinating article for the Washington Post on airport safety in which he details some of the indicators of liars.

Researchers suggest that our body language reveals our lies even if our language does not. Here are some signs that make us suspicious:

Avoiding eye contact
Limited physical expression
Delayed expression of emotion
Touching or scratching the nose or ears
Expressions that don’t match emotions
Turning head or body away from person being addressed
Subject places an object (such as a magazine) between himself and questioner

Difficult Conversations: Accepting Unwanted Gifts

Q: My mother-in-law is always giving me gifts that I don’t particularly want or like. Typically I smile and tell her how much I like it because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m tired of lying. What can I say?

A: I appreciate that you are aware of your mother-in-law’s feelings. This is a relationship that you’ll have a long time and you want to take care to preserve it in a healthy way. I believe you can do that with respect and honesty.

In response to her gifts, direct your comments to the act, not the gift. Tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness by saying, “Thank you so much for thinking of me.” If she asks you flat out if you like the gift, be honest. Say, “I appreciate your kindness. This is not something I would have chosen for myself. What inspired you to think of me?” End with a question versus a statement to avoid some potentially awkward silence. This part may feel uncomfortable, but no more uncomfortable than continuing to lie.

Submit your difficult questions to Susan_Fee@msn.com. If your question is chosen for publication, you’ll receive a complimentary copy of Dealing With Difficult People.

Interested in booking training or coaching? Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com.

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, business and personal coach, and college adjunct faculty member. She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy! (Adams Media). She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2008