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Susan Fee

In This Issue

News & Notes:  Giving and Receiving

Topic of the Month: Five Love Languages

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes: Giving and Receiving

Some people take all the fun out of giving compliments.  I noticed this the other day when I complimented a woman’s hair and she proceeded to dismantle my gesture.  “Oh, I look awful.  I hate my color and this style doesn’t fit my face.”  What was I left to say?  She had proven me either to be wrong or a liar.  A simple thank you would have sufficed. 

Her rejection didn’t make me feel like repeating the compliment; rather I felt burned.  That’s how it feels sometimes when our best efforts to let others know we care or appreciate them are minimized, overlooked, or flat out denied. 

During the month when we are encouraged to give thanks, you may find that no matter how hard you work to show appreciation to the people closest to you, some will still reject you. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t say it, but maybe we need to share differently in order to be recognized. 

I’m giving thanks to author Gary Chapman whose work provides a great starting place to help us figure out our “love languages.”  I’ve shared some of his ideas in the main article.  And by the way dear reader, have I mentioned how much I love your hair?

 

Until next month,

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Five Love Languages

For the first ten years of my marriage, I dutifully packed my husband a lunch to take to work.  Since he works very early hours, this meant that I would rise at 5 am, start the coffee and scan the fridge for that day’s meal.  I did this because I loved him.

One day I visited Allan at his office and discovered that his office fridge was stacked with several of the lunches I had packed him. “What’s this?” I asked, hurt to the core.  “I get up every morning to make you lunch and you don’t even eat them?” 

Quietly he responded, “I never asked you to make my lunch.  You don’t do it for me, you do it for you.”  After the sting of his words settled I realized he was right.  I would have loved someone to make me lunch every day, so I assumed he would too.  I was showing love to my husband the way I wanted to receive it, rather than considering his needs.  Our problem, according to author Gary Chapman, is that we have different “love languages.” 

In his book, Five Love Languages for Couples (he also has one for parents), Chapman states that we have a dominant way that we like to receive love.  Our error is assuming our mates are just like us!  Most likely, we will need to show love differently than we prefer to receive in order to be heard.  Here are the five ways:

Words of affirmation.  Love needs to be spoken out loud in the form of compliments, encouragement, reinforcement, or verbally recognizing achievements. 

Quality time.  This language requires focusing all your attention on the individual.  It’s much more than physical presence.  It involves sharing in activities, listening, and deep conversation.  It’s the feeling of really being present for someone. 

Receiving gifts.  For some, gifts are equated with love.  The present does not necessarily have to be costly, even a token is appreciated.  The gift represents a visible, tangible sign of love. 

Acts of service.  Examples of service could be chores around the house when done out of love versus obligation.  As Chapman says, “A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.”

Physical touch. It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.

 

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Questions for Reflection

What is your preferred love language? 

What is the language of your spouse, children, family members, or other people close to you?

Do you offer love to others in the language they need, or based on what you prefer?

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 Action Step

Share with loved ones how you prefer to receive love.  Take away the guessing game and reduce resentment!  Then, ask how they want to receive love.  Commit to offering love to fit their preferences versus meeting your own needs. 

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Dealing with Mean girls, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2009