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Susan Fee

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News & Notes:  I'm Sorry (but not really)

Topic of the Month: Responding to the Non-Apology

Questions for Reflection

Action Step

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News & Notes: I'm Sorry (but not really)

I imagine we all have something in common with Representative Joe Wilson, singer Kayne West, tennis player Serena Williams, and David Letterman.  We’ve goofed up and had to apologize.  (I myself am very experienced in this!) 

Hopefully, we haven’t made a public spectacle of ourselves, but the audience size does not change what it means to apologize sincerely.  If your actions have put you in the doghouse, check out my tips for overcoming a negative impression. 

Perhaps you’re in a situation of being owed an apology and you don’t feel the other person is being sincere.  It can feel like being wronged a second time!  Read this month’s feature article for some ideas on how to respond to a non-apology.  And, if any of you know Regina Letterman’s email address, feel free to forward this to her!

 

Until next month,

Susan Fee

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Topic of the Month: Responding to the Non-Apology

Has anyone every apologized to you with one of these phrases?

“I said I was sorry!”

“I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

“If you’re hurt, I’m sorry.”

If so, you might recognize the feelings that stir up in your gut when you feel someone offers you an apology that’s just lip service.  Each of these phrases has an underlying meaning that suggests the recipient is really to blame.  The pseudo apology communicates that it’s too bad you feel angry or hurt, but that’s your problem.

Watch this video of David Letterman’s recent attempt to apologize to his staff and wife.  It was reported afterwards, that Letterman’s wife, Regina was still hurt.  Can you guess why?  Yes, he used some humor that could have been inappropriate.  But, if you dissect it further, note that when he addresses how his actions affected his wife, he never said, “I.”  He talked more globally, saying “you.”  And, he never actually said the words, “Regina, I am sorry.”  No wonder she felt it was insincere.

If you’ve been in a similar position, here are some tips for how to respond to a non-apology.

Be honest.  If a person’s apology feels less than sincere, be honest and tell him or her why.  You may feel hurt or angry and there’s a temptation to say nasty things back.  Instead, stay on the topic.  You could say, “I appreciate your effort to take responsibility for your actions.  I’m not sure you fully understand how I’ve been affected and why they hurt me so much.  I’d like to share that if you’re willing to listen.”  If they are not willing to listen, what’s the point?

Educate.  Not everyone knows how to sincerely apologize and others have a very difficult time admitting they were wrong.  If someone is making an attempt, use the opportunity to educate rather than slam the door shut.  A sincere apology consists of three things:  1) Taking responsibility without blaming others, minimizing the effects, or offering excuses.  2) Acknowledging the full impact of your actions on others.  3) Changing future behavior so that those same actions are not repeated. 

Take back your power.  Despite your best efforts, some people will never give you the apology you deserve.  Resist making your happiness dependent on whether or not they do.  If just the thought of the person’s offense can anger you, it’s an indication of how much emotional control you’ve turned over to that person.

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Questions for Reflection

If someone offers you a non-apology, what’s your typical response?  How does this affect the relationship?

Have you ever said you accepted an apology, yet you bring up the old issue during disagreements with the person? 

Are there any relationships that could be mended by you accepting responsibility for hurtful actions and offering a sincere apology?

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 Action Step

Consider what you require from others in an apology and write it down.  Do you have the same standards for every person or are there some people you refuse to “let off the hook?”  If any of your standards are impossible to meet, consider the effect it’s had in your relationships.  

 

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Interested in booking training or coaching?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, personal coach, and national speaker.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2009