In This Issue

News & Notes: Taking Stock

Manager's Tip Sheet:  Trust Me!

Personal Tip Sheet:  Do You Fight Fair?

Difficult Conversations:  Warming a Cold Shoulder

Workshops, Products, and Services 

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News & Notes:  Taking Stock

  

One year ago this month I wrote my first Communication Tip Sheet!   Thanks to all of you for supporting my efforts, especially those of you who have written me personally to let me know that a tip was particularly helpful.  

 

In the day-to-day, sometimes it can feel like I'm standing still.   Yet, when I reflect on where I was one year ago, I see enormous changes. Some were planned, others unplanned.   Either way, change precedes growth.   It's often accompanied by feelings of fear, doubt and excitement.   I've come to recognize these as signals of a transition.  

 

Here's a sample of the questions I ask when taking stock.   How would you answer?  

 

1.   How am I choosing to spend my energy?   What am I doing that fills me up that I want to continue?   What do I find draining that I need to stop?  

 

2.   How is my behavior and communication style reflective of my core values?   How do I support or deny what I say I stand for?    

 

3.   How healthy are my relationships?   If I could improve or mend just one significant relationship, how would it impact my life?   What conversation would I need to have?

 

If that last question stirred up some anxiety, visit the Communication Tip Sheet archive for a year's worth of tips to help you out!  

              

Until next time,

Susan Fee

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Manager's Tip Sheet:  Trust Me!

If you're having difficulty inspiring, persuading, or connecting with your staff, I have some great advice, trust me!   Or not.   Even if my information could be beneficial, I probably lost you the minute I begged for your trust versus earning it.   Trust is the foundation for any strong relationship, and absolutely necessary in order to lead others.   It's established over time by demonstrating consistent behavior.  

 

There are obvious ways we cause others to distrust us such as lying, but don't overlook the impact of these subtle signals:    

 

Watch your language.   Certain phrases make us doubt your trustworthiness such as the aforementioned, “Trust me!”   Another phrase to drop is, “To tell you the truth.”   Doesn't that make you wonder if everything else has been a lie?   Also, “Between you and me,” really means you gossip about everybody.      

 

Do, not try.   It may sound small, but there's a huge difference in saying you'll do something versus try to do it.   “Try” is an escape clause.   It's a way of shirking commitment, as if it's okay if you didn't come through since you only said you would try.   Instead, say exactly what you intend to do, then follow through.  

 

Look them in the eyes.   Western culture defines a lack of eye contact as being suspicious or reflecting low self-esteem.   To build trust and appear confident in your message, look people in the eyes, even when delivering bad news.       

 

Be consistent.   When actions and words don't match, it creates a sense of distrust.   For instance, if you say you're happy, yet your facial expression shows anger, your behavior reveals your true message.   To be believed, your actions and words must be consistently in synch; otherwise you'll be perceived as lying.  

Click here for more tips on establishing trust. 

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Personal Tip Sheet:  Do You Fight Fair?

When it comes to resolving conflicts, do you fight fair?   A fair fight (or discussion) means both sides agree when to talk and what they will discuss.   Each person has a chance to speak without attacking or being attacked.   Conflicts are addressed in a timely manner rather than letting them build and fester.   Here are five more tips for keeping it fair:

 

Schedule a time.   Ambush attacks are definitely unfair and escalate conflict.   Instead, tell the person you have something important to discuss and ask for a time to meet in person.   Conflicts should never be handled online as it's too easy to misinterpret meanings.   If someone confronts you online, reply by saying you received the message and you'd like to schedule a time to talk face-to-face.

 

Stay on topic.   Conversations get derailed when one or both of you start bringing up history.   If you hear yourself saying, “And another thing…” stop!   Stay in the present and resolve one issue at a time.   If there's something else you'd like to discuss, make it a separate conversation.   

 

Speak in private.   Whenever possible, discuss your differences in private.   It's unfair to put anyone on the spot in front of an audience.   It encourages resistance, not cooperation.   If someone attacks you in public, respond by saying you'll continue the conversation, but only in private.

 

Use “I” statements.   Own your feelings, opinions, and perceptions by starting conversations with “I” versus “you.”   It's fair to say, “I'm having trouble understanding your reasoning,” but unfair to say, “You are being unreasonable.”

 

Focus on behavior.   When you attack a person by name calling or labeling, you've set yourself up for a battle because the most likely response is a defensive one.   Instead, express what behavior you find offensive.   For instance, instead of saying, “You're rude and selfish,” say “I want you to listen to me without interrupting.”     

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 Difficult Conversations: Warming a Cold Shoulder

Q :   I recently joined a coed volleyball team.   At first the people were very talkative to me and would ask me to play on the weekend.   Recently I've noticed their conversations are about others that I don't know, so I can't contribute.   They talk like I'm not there and I'm no longer invited for weekend games.   I don't know what I did for the sudden change in the way I am being treated and don't know if I should even bring it up, and if so, how?  

 

A:    This type of awkward situation can only be resolved with a direct conversation.   Seek out the person you feel closest to and ask to speak privately.   State the change you've observed in your teammates and ask if there's something you've done that came across as offensive.   You might say, “When I first joined, I felt very welcomed.   People looked at me directly and included me in conversations.   Now, I notice no one looks me in the eye or smiles.   I'm totally confused by the switch in behavior.   Did I do anything that was offensive?”  

 

If you receive no clear answer, it might be time to reevaluate whether or not you want to stay on this team.   A culture of silence and cold shoulders is hardly supporting a healthy team environment.                 

 

Submit your difficult conversations to Susan_Fee@msn.com.     

   

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Workshops, Products, and Services

Upcoming Workshops and Appearances. 

 

“Circle of F.R.I.E.N.D.S”

October 14-November 11

Independence , OH

Register by calling (440) 963-0402 or 800-600-5327

 

St. Vincent Charity Hospital

“Creating Positive First Impressions”

October 11

Cleveland , OH

 

TRW

“Art of Self Promotion”

October 12

Independence , OH

 

Toledo Metro Parks

October 13 & 27

“Maximize Your Interpersonal Skills”

Toledo , OH

 

Oak Hill Academy

October 19

“Mean Girls:   Understanding Relational Aggression”

Lincroft , NJ

Products and Services

New booklet and e-booklet titles available!  

 

Building Resiliency: 68 Coping Strategies for Surviving & Thriving During Adversity

 

Secrets for Successful Presentations: 81 Tips to Prepare and Deliver Every Speech with Confidence!

 

Order a PowerPack and save money!

Interested in booking training or coaching in 2006?  Let me know how I can help, Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor, business and personal coach, and college adjunct faculty member.  She is the author of Positive First Impressions, Dealing with Difficult People, Building Resiliency, Secrets of Successful Presentations, and the college survival guide, My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  (Adams Media).  She can be reached through her Web site at www.susanfee.com or by email at Susan_Fee@msn.com. 

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2005