“Mean Girls”

In a few weeks my daughter will begin first grade.  I want to believe that she can handle a full day away from my protective care, but I’m worried.  Right now, she’s confident, bubbly, and expressive.  I’m not ready for her to have her heart and spirit broken – by another girl.  Yet, according to researchers and experts on girl aggression, that’s mostly likely what will happen. 

A recent study conducted by Brigham Young University suggests girls as young as three or four will use manipulation and peer pressure to get what they want.  They regularly exclude others and threaten to withdraw friendship if they don’t get their way.  They are mean girls in training.    

The popularity of the movie Mean Girls gave a public voice to something that women have known for years:  girls can be cruel.  But the way girls dish it out is very different from the physical aggression displayed by boys according to Dr. Victoria Kress, a counselor and associate professor at Youngstown State University.  “Girl on girl aggression may involve dirty looks, aggressive body language, and passing hurtful notes,” she said.  While dirty looks may seem less harmful than physical aggression, Dr. Kress warns the psychological consequences can be dramatic.   

Deborah Wallace, Community Intervention Coordinator for the Nordonia Hills City School District agrees, “Girls can say a lot without saying anything.  Since it’s mostly non-verbal, it’s hard to discipline.”  Wallace said she sees the mean girl behavior kick into high gear with fifth and sixth graders and the effects can be very disruptive to the classroom dynamic.    

Why is it girls treat one another this way?  Even more confounding, why do they want to be friends with girls who would treat them poorly?  In her book Queen Bees and Wannabes, author Rosalind Wiseman describes a complex social system that teaches girls it’s better to be “nice” than outwardly express anger, so girls learn to assert their power in more subtle ways.  Mothers, who grew up with same social pressures, can unwittingly reinforce the message. 

For example, if a daughter witnesses her mom giving the “cold shoulder” she learns the way you express anger is by cutting off communication.  If the mother openly gossips, she teaches that passive-aggressive behavior is acceptable.  Or, imagine a scenario where mom has receives poor customer service, but she chooses not to address it because she doesn’t want to “make a scene.”   

The other message girls receive according to Wiseman is that it’s better to be included than left out, even if inclusion hurts.  Girls exclude by withholding friendships such as not inviting someone to a birthday party or forming cliques. 

Wallace said she sees this behavior played out in an unending cycle, “Most girls return to the group or friend that hurt them.  They’d rather be picked on that kicked out and suffer the pain of social isolation.”       

I interviewed several girls for this article.  While all of them wanted to talk about their experiences, none of them wanted to be identified for fear that they would be picked on even more.  Their stories had much in common including engaging in the very behavior they found so hurtful.  One 14-year told me, “Sometimes I respond by being catty right back.  At first, I feel slightly triumphant and then I feel guilty.”  The same girl experienced a painful falling out with her best friend after an online exchange, which is the newest trend in relational aggression.

Hi-tech bullying includes flaming which is sending angry, rude, or vulgar messages directed at a person, privately or to an online group.  Some online users masquerade as someone else, or spread gossip through online personal diaries called blogs.  Most often, it’s the intentional exclusion from an Instant Messaging “buddies list” that causes hurt feelings.  Parry Aftab is a cyberlawyer and executive director of Wired-Saftey.org.  She strongly encourages parents to Google their child’s name, nicknames, friends’ names and school name to alert them to unreported cyberbulling.

There are other things parents can do to help support their daughter survive relational aggression.  First, avoid minimizing the situation.  Offering over-simplified advice such as, “Get new friends,” and “None of this will matter when you’re older,” will only make girls feel more misunderstood.     

Do not intervene on your daughter’s behalf or tell her to ignore it.   This saves her from learning valuable conflict resolution skills and can inadvertently make her feel even more powerless.  Instead, Wallace suggests girls learn how to confront their perpetrators individually by using the sentence:  “When you ______ I feel ______ and I’d appreciate it if  _____.” 

If your daughter isn’t much of a talker you might bring up the topic by asking, “How do the girls at school treat one another?”  It’s also very powerful for mothers to share their own girlhood experiences.  I know I have a few painful stories to tell.  As much as I’d like to forget them, being honest about my past may be the very thing my daughter needs for her future.        

Bio:  Susan Fee is the mom of a six-year-old daughter who has already learned the art of eye-rolling.  She’s also a licensed counselor practicing in Independence and the author of My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy!  Solve Conflicts, Set Boundaries, and Survive the College Roommate from Hell.  She may be contacted through her Web site, www.susanfee.com.